


Scar Tissue

by OurDeal



Category: National Football League RPF
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Crying, Drinking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-30 07:00:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18310538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OurDeal/pseuds/OurDeal
Summary: Danny’s dark thoughts become a soundtrack in his brain, one he can’t mute. Julian is the only person who seems to know where that function is, but he can’t help Danny if he doesn’t want the help. Inspired by ‘Pisces’, ‘No Hoard of Value’ and ‘Just Another’ by Jinjer*COMPLETE AND TOTAL WORK OF FICTION^^NO FOOTBALLS WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS STORY





	Scar Tissue

**Author's Note:**

> Please be advised that it does get rough right from the get-go.

            All he ever wanted was to scream—by himself on top of the highest peak known to man. Instead, he sits on a couch inside of his apartment, surrounded by neighbors who don’t understand his toils. For Danny, it never really was about the organization, or the money, or even the fame that playing the sport that he loves brought it. For him, it was always about the friends he would meet and the relationships he would create. Once upon a time, Danny was happy to even just be. He could be in his own little world, but as soon as one of his teammates would touch him, all he could do was smile. He hates lying to his teammates—his friends, who have held him up in the worst of times. He didn’t want to show his weakness—the sadness that holds him down to his bed, tied him by his wrists and ankles with a ball and chain keeping him in place. He hated going from team to team—and through his life with football, that’s all that’s happened to him. He’s tired—and frankly sick of re-learning new plays and names. Learning who he can he trust and who he has to take at face value. He just wants to stay in a team long enough that he can retire. He thought he had gotten that with _that_ team, but in the end, they let him go. After all, he had done for them—at the end of the day, he saw where he stood.

            He sat in the locker room of the _Fins_ for a whole season, and although he felt better about the area, he still wasn’t home. They weren’t the team that he wanted to retire with. He wanted to go back to _them_ , to _him_ in all reality. The man who changed his perspective on life—even if it was for a short while. The boy with the blonde hair and kind blue eyes that looked at him as if he were the only other person on the team. He didn’t hear the incessant screaming of his doubts when Julian was even near him. Julian understood where Danny lied. The bed of rocks that Danny slept on became bearable for a time because Julian saw him for what he really was. He was scared and in pain.

            When the _Fins_ let him go, he knew that he would have to start all over again. He could barely bring himself to get out of bed in the morning and face the media, let alone sign with another team yet again. He hates it. He hates feeling as if he were less than a person—more of a commodity that could be bought and sold. He wasn’t much to anyone and even less to himself. Danny knew that the only team that would ever have cared about him had let him down in the end. That’s what hurts him the most—the team that he thought that he had found a home in didn’t feel like fighting for him in the end. They turned their back on him, and he was left with no choice but to go somewhere else. Now he finds himself starting all over again in another place—another state that’s colder than the previous ones, and a place that could harden the kindest of souls. He knows that come September, the sun won’t be able to reach the deepest parts of his soul.

            He never had any intention of leaving Julian—the one man who captivated him on a deeper level than just being a teammate. The man who captured his heart and held it in his hands for a time. The man who took care of that very heart when it would break and the cracks would begin to show in its owner. Julian would be the one to glue Danny back together when the shorter man no longer had the energy to. He was the one who would hold Danny when he would cry even if it was the ugly kind. Then signing with the _Lions_ made him hold on to his thoughts for dear life. He never thought that he would even have to sign with another team, but again, with his luck, it’s not unusual too. Still, he wants to make his way back to Julian. It hurt being forced apart on the east coast, but now with him being in the Midwest and Julian still on the east coast, everything is going to change. No longer do they share a time zone, nor a coast. Danny knows that he’s farther away from Julian, but he was left with no choice but to sign with the _Lions_ , after all, he didn’t want to be teamless come the new season. He knew that moving to the Midwest would put him farther away from Julian. The phone in his pocket begins to vibrate, making him jolt out of his own thoughts. With a tight grip, Danny looks down at the screen to see Julian’s name flash across it. Sighing in discontent at his situation, he presses the ‘answer’ button. He can hear some shuffling around on the other end, before there’s subtle breathing and Danny can hear his heartbeat in his ears.

            “Hey Danny, how are you doing? I miss you so much.” Julian sighs from the other end of the line and Danny can’t help but hold back as much emotion as he can. He’s hurting and he’s angry at the fact that Julian has to consider the time zone differences. He wants to just make his pain stop—his heart hurting and his thoughts racing. There’s only so much whiskey one can drink before becoming immune to it.

            “H-hi Julian, I-I miss you so much, and I just want to go home—to you. I love you.” He didn’t say it enough when he was with Julian, and now he regrets it because he’s so far now. While he stares into the distance, the glassy bottles mock him with the gleam from the overhead lights in his living room. He’s spent the past few nights crying on any surface he can manage to crawl to, with a bottle constantly in his right hand. There’s something else he’s been hiding from Julian—other than his drinking. The scarring on his rib cage that once had faded into nothing has a new layer on top.

            “I need you to tell me what’s really going on, Danny. I know you very well, babe, and I can tell just by the tone of your voice that you’re in pain.” He can hear the concern in Julian’s voice, and he can almost see Julian’s eyebrows knitting together. Danny’s heart beats fast in his chest, and he can hear the blood rushing through his body, sounding like tidal waves. He knows he’s caught—and feeling guilty of a promise that he had made Julian once—when they were both vulnerable enough to admit their deepest insecurities to each other.

            “I’m completely fine, Julian. Really, I swear. I’m just still adjusting, and I really am missing you.” Trying to even convince himself of his own lies, Danny knows that Julian can pick up on the lies just by the pitch of Danny’s voice. There’s nothing or no one who can curb his self-hate now, and it’s only worse when he stares at himself in the mirror. He can’t stand feeling the weight of his guilt pressing down on him, so he chooses to end the call—no ‘goodbye’ or ‘I love you’. He just doesn’t have it in him to say anything. Instead, he just chooses to drag himself into his bed. There’s bottles strewn around the floor and some knock together and clang as he walks through.

  
            When his back meets the mattress, Danny can feel his ribs press into the mattress with the weight of his sadness. Taking a swig out of the glass bottle in his hand, the clear liquid burning as it goes down. He hasn’t eaten in a while and knowing that if he were to fall asleep now, he would only wake up with the worst hangover and even worse-off stomach. Though he can think and walk without completely falling over, he makes his way towards the bathroom. He knows where the extra blades for his razor are. Sitting down on the floor, he opens the cabinet door, before pulling out the box with all the blades that he has for his razor. He can feel pressure behind his eyes as tears leave them, and a silent sob runs through his body from his lungs. He wouldn’t want Julian to see him—who he’s become since leaving. He’s a shell of the man that he once was when he had Julian by his side.

            Feeling the coldness of the blade kissing his ribcage, he could care less about the burning sensation that trails it. Guilt is all he can feel now—in this moment, he broke his promise to the only man that has ever mattered to him. Sometimes, he can still see the stars in the sky as they were that night when he thinks back to it. His eyes close for a moment as he takes himself to the last time he was ever truly happy.

            _“You know something, Danny? I think I’ve fallen for you. Maybe because you make it easy for me to talk about things that are hard to handle, or maybe because you just roll with things. You just make things easy for me, and I can be myself around you.” Julian’s hand is holding Danny’s while they both lie in the grass after a night practice. Even though the rest of the team already cleared out of the stadium, everyone knows that Danny and Julian like to spend some time alone after practice, especially if it’s at night. Julian turns his head to look at Danny, who is staring up at the stars. They twinkle with secrets untold from light years away, remnants of the supernova event that created the universe._

_“Maybe because you make it easy for me to be honest, Julian. I’ve already fallen for you from day one—I know that there are things that we’re still learning about each other, and I know that you’ve seen the faded scars on my ribs. I’ve dealt with a lot, and sometimes, the way that I used to cope wasn’t the best. Instead of facing my problems, I would turn my rage towards myself, and I know that it’s wrong but at the end of the night, when I hated everything, especially myself, it was easier to ease the pain with anything sharp. My chest becomes lighter and my brain goes into this place of calm. I know this much though, Julian. I know that you hurt every time you see the scars, and I’ve felt your fingertips graze against them. Some days, I’m still ashamed of them, and why I did what I did, but then you look at me with such love in your eyes all of my doubts go. If you decide to stay with a mess like me, I can promise you that I’ll stop.” Danny’s face turns to look at Julian, who in turn pulls him in before wrapping his arms around his shoulders. Danny can feel tears soaking into his shirt, but he could care less at that point. He soaks in the moment, knowing that he plans to make good on his promise._

But like every promise he’s ever made, no matter how hard he’s worked to keep it, they fall apart in a matter of moments. One wrong move or word from anyone is all it takes to break Danny sometimes, but now—distance has become the enemy. He doesn’t have Julian to stop him from hurting, and all he can focus on is that burning pain that grounds him to the tiles on his bathroom floor. He’s halfway there—so tired from his heart being such a heavy burden, and his body hurting from his emotions—that he can feel his eyes begin to droop. Drinking the last of whatever liquid is burning down his throat, a faint smile graces his face. He’s so far gone that he doesn’t notice someone barging into the room, his vision already almost completely dark. He doesn’t notice the presence of two other people following after the one who barged in.

            “He’s going to make a full recovery, but for now, I think we’ll keep him here for another day or two.” Someone is talking about somebody in the distance and Danny can’t make his lips move to form words. He can feel his body begin to wake, along with pain radiating throughout his joints. There’s a heavy weight in one of his hands, and as twitches his fingers, there’s a gasp following from somewhere nearby. His eyes open, and there they are—the blue eyes he so desperately wanted to see for such a long time. Julian’s hand is holding his and looking around slowly, he sees that Rob and Tom are also in the same room. Looking down at his other hand, he sees a clear line running from the back of his hand to a bag hanging from some sort of holder—an IV bag. Everything hits him at once in that instance, and before he knows what he’s doing, he tries to rip out the breathing tube that’s in his throat. He wants to scream, but he can’t and instead, a slew of doctors and nurses rush in. One of them is checking some screen with lines on it while the others are holding him down. A doctor ends up in his line of sight before he feels this tugging sensation in his throat. He gets the overwhelming urge to puke, and a garbage can appears right before him. Shoving his face into the can, Danny lets his body react to having a breathing tube pulled out. His throat is raw and his body hurts but at least he can have the chance to talk. Lying back down, someone is shoving a straw into his mouth before water makes its way into his body. Feeling his throat cool, Danny draws in a breath, locking eyes with Julian at the same time.

            “I’m so sorry…I-I tried really hard, but when you’re not around me, I can’t really cope. You were my only reason for coping with everything and yet, here you are and it’s because of me. I’m so sorry to you both as well…Rob and Tom. I would have never wanted you guys to see me like this. It’s just that ever since I’ve left, I’ve felt like I’ve been wandering around aimlessly for a home. Looking for someone—a friend or a teammate to help pick up the pieces of my broken heart, but I haven’t found it with anyone else but you guys.” Julian swipes at the tears falling down his face before noticing that Rob and Tom are making their way out to give him and Julian some time alone. It’s then that he lets his guard down and lets his body sob for his pain. Becoming vulnerable was something that he thought could never happen, but yet, here he is, letting his body break down.

            “It’s okay, Danny. I saw you sitting there on the floor while you bled out of your chest and I went into autopilot. I knew what to do, but just please be honest with me, Danny. Why didn’t you say anything? Was it because you were afraid or because of the distance? I had planned to surprise you, but instead, you surprised me. Trust me, I know this has been hard for you, and I know that you’ve been asking yourself if there’s something wrong. I will tell you right now, that you are one of the best players I’ve ever known, and even a better friend and significant other. I love you with everything I have, and I will show it to you every day if I have to. There’s nothing without you. I don’t care about football as much as I care about you. If it means that we retire, then we retire, but I’m not letting you go through this alone. Not now and not ever again.” Lips pressing against his, Danny knows that this a promise that Julian can keep. It’s the only thing that brings that spark of life back into Danny, who now wants to prove himself of being worthy of Julian.

 

 It’s all he’s ever wanted.


End file.
